Being a Friend to a Domestic Abuse Victim
What Do You Do If a Loved One is Being Mistreated By Her Partner?
Jun 7, 2009
Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, or mental, the results are always low self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness.
One’s hope for such a friend is for safety and happiness but unless the abused is ready to take serious action, no amount of recommendations will make much of a difference. The best suggestions, according to several articles on the topic, are to keep contact with the friend and to continue to be a supportive listener.
Be a Good Listener
Very often a victim who entrusts such private and sensitive information to you is releasing built up frustration, stress and shame. While the first instinct might be to judge her and wonder why any woman could allow such treatment, it’s important to see the courage it took for her to speak up in the first place.
Keep in Touch
Talk to her from a place of love and concern. According to dictionary.com, the first definition of a friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. Ask her how you can help her.
Don’t Take it Personal
It can be difficult and confusing to be a friend of a woman who is being abused. One day you feel contempt towards her partner for treating her so badly and disappointment in your friend for staying with him. But the next day she is excusing his behavior and expects you to pardon him as well, to almost shrug it off.
Try to keep your feelings of frustration out of it. After learning of her abuse, take time later on by yourself to reflect on what she told you. Understandably, it may be complicated for you to know what your role in this situation is now that you know something so personal and inappropriate. Seriously consider what you can provide for her.
How Can I Help Her?
Can you offer your home as a place to stay in case of an emergency? Maybe you are able to babysit her kids so that she can begin counseling. Look up several shelters and keep the numbers programmed in your cell phone. If you have the financial means, begin saving a little money for her. In an abusive relationship, money is a central issue. The abuser is known to control the spending and keeps tabs on what he “allows” her to have. When a woman is ready to leave, having enough cash to stay at a hotel or for gas and food is a top priority.
Abuse is a cycle that continues until either or both the abuser and the victim take action to change. No matter what you think you would do in her situation, change has to come from her. You should not convince her to leave her partner. Many women have faced worse abuse and even death when they impulsively leave their partner without a careful plan.
Speak From the Heart
Only say words that can build her up. Encourage her to see herself as a woman of real worth and quality, but try to remain diplomatic about her partner and be cautious not to put him down, especially if you also know him, or they have children together as this may cause more tension.
The most important thing you can do as a friend of a domestic violence victim is to continue to keep in contact with her. Reach from that place of love and concern and keep reassuring her that you will be there in whatever capacity you are able to provide. You might be the one link that leads her to hope.
Resources: dictionary.com; http://ezinearticles.com/?cat=Relationships:Domestic-Violence
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