Emotional Abuse During Separation and Divorce
Ending a Marriage Can Turn a Person into an Abusive Spouse
Mar 22, 2009
The end of a marriage is not a joyous time for anyone. More often than not, divorces happen because of abuse suffered throughout the marriage or infidelity. When the painful moment comes on deciding how the end will take shape, some couples end up in a vicious battle over money, possessions and the children. In the end, only the lawyers come out as winners.
How a couple chooses to handle separation is crucial to the emotional well-being for the children and for the couple. The effects of separation, if negative, can last a lifetime. When one partner (or both) does not effectively deal with the emotional pain, then bitterness and anger set in which can ignite emotional warfare.
Emotional Warfare
Emotional warfare is when one partner makes an effort to hurt the other partner. This can be either intentional or unintentional, conscious or subconscious. Some examples of emotional warfare are:
- Telling the partner he or she was lousy in bed.
- Stating that the partner is too fat.
- Showing up at the children's ball game with a new partner.
- Telling the partner that he or she is a horrible parent.
Psychologists agree that if a person is the recipient of this form of emotional abuse, she should not engage in the emotional barbs that can so easily escalate into psychological war.
Psychological Warfare
Mental abuse, psychological abuse or psychological warfare, it all means the same; they are an intentional act of attempting to hurt another person's mental state. This is when a spurned partner becomes very manipulative and wants full control and will stop at nothing to get control. The weapons become much more intense and sadly, often involve the children. Some examples are:
- Making a false allegation of physical or sexual abuse.
- Making a false allegation of rape.
- Manipulating the children into believing that the other partner is no good or does not care about the children (Parental Alienation Syndrome).
- Poisoning the children's minds into believing bad things about the other parent.
Emotional Terrorism
A person who threatens with consequences or outright blackmails, is an emotional terrorist. During the good years of a marriage, some partners do things that are not legal (e.g. using drugs), or has morally behaved in such a way it can destroy his reputation. These secrets are secure in a solid relationship however, in a bitter divorce, these secrets become weapons to an emotional terrorist.
When Violence Erupts
Psychological warfare can turn into violence. Violence has been known to happen during separation and divorce. The 1989 movie, War of the Roses (based on the 1981 novel by Warren Adler) , is a dark comedy about a wealthy couple who seemingly had a great marriage. When their marriage started to fall apart, material possessions became the center of an outrageous, violent and very bitter divorce battle.
If violence erupts, the police must be notified immediately. Lawyers and police will recommend a restraining order when violence happens. This is a legal remedy for domestic violence. A restraining order is an order from the courts, served to the offending partner that clearly outlines what conduct is not acceptable. Unfortunately, restraining orders cannot physically stop a person from violating the conditions and making contact with the innocent partner. They do however, hold some weight when police need to be called.
Avoiding the Emotional and Psychological Terrorist
The best way to avoid being hurt in any emotional or psychological game is to not engage. If a person retaliates, it escalates the situation and before long, “War of the Roses” can become reality. Ignoring negativity is not easy and it will create internal stress. Having a solid support system of friends and family is essential in getting through the tough times of separation and divorce.
Further Reading:
Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse
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