Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse
The Silent Treatment is a Weapon in Abusive Relationships
There are no reliable statistics that clearly state the extent of this specific form of abuse. Although some studies do indicate the level of emotional abuse that exists in our society, they do not target the “silent treatment”. Silent treatments should not be confused with what is referred to as the “cooling off” period after an argument.
Statistics do show that men and women are almost equal when it comes to spousal domestic violence. It’s believed that giving emotional abuse (in any form) is also almost equal between the genders.
Professor Linda Roberts of the University of Wisconsin wrote in the Journal of Marriage that a verbal withdrawal can be just as destructive to a relationship as actual violence. Psychological abuse is abuse.
Kip Williams, Ph.D. validates what victims of silence episodes feel, that there are detrimental effects to physical health as well as the mental health. Those who have been ill-treated on a repeated basis report a sense of not belonging, loss of control, low self esteem and unworthiness. They also have increased stress levels, headaches and depression.
Abusers will often withhold conversation and acknowledgment of their spouses’ existence to gain control. Although we all want some sense of control in our lives, to manipulate another is going about it the wrong way. When a person can not rest until they have their own way, then they have a personality disorder according to Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D, R-CSW. Deep down, these abusers are terrified of being vulnerable so they attempt to maintain full control the only way they know how. The vulnerability may stem from unresolved childhood issues or vulnerability to being abused in their relationship.
Ken (not his real name) was a victim of constant silent treatments throughout his marriage of 25 years. Some of these episodes lasted up to six weeks. He had several unresolved issues from his past and demonstrated physical violence in his marriage. In retaliation to gain some control, his wife would give the silent treatment. She also had unresolved issues from her childhood so her vulnerabilities were a combination of past childhood events and her current abusive relationship.
When this form of abuse occurs with children in the home it will teach them incorrect ways to deal with conflict that will impact their adult relationships. Children look to their parents as strong mentors and by showing them that it’s ok to tolerate abuse, or to abuse is enabling the circle of abuse.
The Abuser
The person who is the abuser needs to think about how their actions are affecting their partner. An abuser is both a coward and a bully. All abusers have excuses that are not to be accepted. Bottom line, silent treatments are wrong ways to deal with problems and can seriously inflict harm. Healing is a long process but if an abuser wants to rescue their relationship they need to realize it will take time, patience and persistence.
The Victim
If you’re on the receiving end of silent treatments then take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the relationship so therefore you must take a role in changing it. Tell your partner that enough is enough. Change your routine or behaviour to show you will no longer tolerate the abuse. Dr. Phil once referred to a saying: “There are no victims, only volunteers.” He also urges “don’t go along to get along”.
If you are being abused remember that you’re not alone. There is individual and relationship help out there. Speak to your doctor or church clergy. If this is not available to you then call a 24 hour help-line or distress line.
You Needn't be Alone
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