Silent treatments are destructive forces in abusive relationships. Silence is a silent form of anger that says you do not exist. Abusers use this as a form of punishment.
There are no reliable statistics that clearly state the extent of this specific form of abuse. Although some studies do indicate the level of emotional abuse that exists in our society, they do not target the “silent treatment”. Silent treatments should not be confused with what is referred to as the “cooling off” period after an argument.
Statistics do show that men and women are almost equal when it comes to spousal domestic violence. It’s believed that giving emotional abuse (in any form) is also almost equal between the genders.
Professor Linda Roberts of the University of Wisconsin wrote in the Journal of Marriage that a verbal withdrawal can be just as destructive to a relationship as actual violence. Psychological abuse is abuse.
Kip Williams, Ph.D. validates what victims of silence episodes feel, that there are detrimental effects to physical health as well as the mental health. Those who have been ill-treated on a repeated basis report a sense of not belonging, loss of control, low self esteem and unworthiness. They also have increased stress levels, headaches and depression.
Abusers will often withhold conversation and acknowledgment of their spouses’ existence to gain control. Although we all want some sense of control in our lives, to manipulate another is going about it the wrong way. When a person can not rest until they have their own way, then they have a personality disorder according to Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D, R-CSW. Deep down, these abusers are terrified of being vulnerable so they attempt to maintain full control the only way they know how. The vulnerability may stem from unresolved childhood issues or vulnerability to being abused in their relationship.
Ken (not his real name) was a victim of constant silent treatments throughout his marriage of 25 years. Some of these episodes lasted up to six weeks. He had several unresolved issues from his past and demonstrated physical violence in his marriage. In retaliation to gain some control, his wife would give the silent treatment. She also had unresolved issues from her childhood so her vulnerabilities were a combination of past childhood events and her current abusive relationship.
When this form of abuse occurs with children in the home it will teach them incorrect ways to deal with conflict that will impact their adult relationships. Children look to their parents as strong mentors and by showing them that it’s ok to tolerate abuse, or to abuse is enabling the circle of abuse.
The Abuser
The person who is the abuser needs to think about how their actions are affecting their partner. An abuser is both a coward and a bully. All abusers have excuses that are not to be accepted. Bottom line, silent treatments are wrong ways to deal with problems and can seriously inflict harm. Healing is a long process but if an abuser wants to rescue their relationship they need to realize it will take time, patience and persistence.
The Victim
If you’re on the receiving end of silent treatments then take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the relationship so therefore you must take a role in changing it. Tell your partner that enough is enough. Change your routine or behaviour to show you will no longer tolerate the abuse. Dr. Phil once referred to a saying: “There are no victims, only volunteers.” He also urges “don’t go along to get along”.
If you are being abused remember that you’re not alone. There is individual and relationship help out there. Speak to your doctor or church clergy. If this is not available to you then call a 24 hour help-line or distress line.
The copyright of the article Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse in Emotional/Verbal Abuse is owned by Karen Stephenson. Permission to republish Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Thank you for this information. I'm suffering from a 21 day silent
treatment and am looking for a way to end the silence. I've tried
different things to no avail. I tried giving him time and space, I tried
apologizing for my behavior, I've kept silent just to see if that would
work, I've tried opening up and being gentle. Nothing works. I pray a lot
over this.
Feb 16, 2009 4:02 PM
Guest
:
My silent treatment is only a week old this time, but every time it happens
I lose respect and love for him. Fortunatly we don't live together and I've
finally mustered the courage to move on.
Feb 18, 2009 6:43 AM
Guest
:
The same thing is happening with my father,every now and then. He is
getting older an older and cannot deal with it.I agree he is very immature
and this is also a result of his harsh life.But I have been blaming myself
all the time, looking for all sorts of explanations but this text has
really opened my eyes.I will no longer be a victim and the only solution is
to move away.
Mar 28, 2009 11:21 AM
Guest
:
I left an emotionally abusive relationship a month ago. When I got the
silent treatment I felt like a ghost or shadow in my own home. It
devastated me and I just had to wait until he 'got over it' and noticed me
again. I have learned in the last month that I suffer from extreme tramatic
bonding and I know that this was caused mostly by the silent treatment then
loving and reassurance I receive after each episode. I had no idea this was
a form of abuse I just thought it was how he had to 'deal with' things
sometimes.
Mar 28, 2009 12:36 PM
Guest
:
I left an emotionally abusive relationship a month ago. When I got the
silent treatment I felt like a ghost or shadow in my own home. It
devastated me and I just had to wait until he 'got over it' and noticed me
again. I have learned in the last month that I suffer from extreme tramatic
bonding and I know that this was caused mostly by the silent treatment then
loving and reassurance I receive after each episode. I had no idea this was
a form of abuse I just thought it was how he had to 'deal with' things
sometimes.
Apr 1, 2009 12:34 PM
Guest
:
I recently ended a two year yo-yo verbal and emotional abusive
relationship. We never lived together, but his silent treatments were
severe, he would turn his message off on his phone and one time even block
me from calling him. I am now in therapy and on meds because of this most
abusive man.
Apr 1, 2009 4:00 PM
Guest
:
i am having the hardest time finding a job. he puts that in my face
everyday when i try to voice my opinion about anything. "you don't
make money... get a job...leave...i pay for all the bills" we have a 9
year old son so to me that's a full time job. it's gotten worse. he calls
while at work and tells our son to call me STUPID and many other things. he
swears about me to our son. i cry myself to bed every night. there are many
times i want to just sleep and never wake up. i dread having to start a
whole new day. if it wasn't for my son i do believe i would not be here
anymore. i look forward to the day i get a job and leave. that's what's
holding me back.. being jobless with no income. i have family who will help
but with the economy being so bad i feel quilty fro putting that on them.
silent treatment... we live together but can go on days without saying a
word to eachother. Our son don't say anything but i'm sure he's thinking
something, and i know i'm not setting a good example for him. what do i do
in the mean time.
Apr 23, 2009 8:13 AM
Guest
:
I am just now realizing (or coming out of denial, actually) that I am in an
abusive marriage. We have been married almost 5 years, but we have been
together almost 8 years. When we first got together he was the sweetest
most kind person I had ever met. However, slowly since we moved in together
it has become a horror, or at least it feels that way. I get the silent
treatment, but I also get name calling, awful coments, and lots of anger
shouted in my direction. He also has a great way of always showing me I am
the cause of his anger and complete unhappiness. It's like I have no
defense. We can be involved in a normal conversation and out of nowhere he
explodes into rage and proceeds to prove how I am the most worthless person
on Earth. Then the silent treatment comes for a while....when that ends, he
acts like nothing ever happened and I should be happy. If I ever get
"brave" and express my opinions of the situation or his actions,
he then says he is going to commit suicide because he is a horrible person.
Which scares me and I go into panic mode begging him not to hurt himself. I
then stay in a state of being afraid he will do something and it will be my
fault. I would then have to explain to the world he couldn't stand his life
with me, so he got out. So far he has taken pills, but it just made him
sleep a while, and once he tried something with carbon monoxide, but could
do it.....I can't remember why. Which of course that will eventually lead
into "everything is fine, nothing ever went wrong and we are so
happy." Right now he is mad at me and wants a divorce and has told me
it's because he can't trust me and I am stupid, lazy, and will never change
and he is tired of it all. Here's the sad part, I just want the man I met
to come back out of him and for us to be a family that communicates and
works through problems together in a healthier way. SO.....What do I do?
Please, anybody, anywhere give me advice. I am desperate.
May 10, 2009 8:42 AM
Guest
:
I've been a victim of the silent treatment for over 15 years. At first, it
devastated me. I couldn't eat, sleep, think or anything. All I could do
was worry and obsess over how to get him talking to me again. I was so
worried he would leave me. When he is talking to me, he is very critical.
Nothing I do is good enough. Recently, I discovered that about 90% of what
comes out of his mouth isn't worth listening to. It's either lies,
exaggerations or verbal abuse aimed at me, other drivers on the road,
people he works with, people in stores, neighbors, etc. Given that, I've
come to question why the silent treatment bothers me at all. I'm slowly
beginning to see that it's a gift ... although he doesn't mean it as one.
For however many days it takes for him to start talking to me, I don't have
to listen to him criticize me or the rest of the world! I should see it as
a vacation! I don't get as upset about it as I used to. I don't cry or
beg or lose sleep over it. Usually, he calls me constantly throughout the
day for various reasons, but when he's giving me the silent treatment, I'm
not on that leash. I can have coffee with friends, go to the library or
just stay home on the computer without having to worry about him calling me
and yelling at me because I'm not doing whatever he thinks I should be
doing. My whole thought process on the silent treatment is changing and
I'm glad! While I still don't like it, I'm finding it much more tolerable
than I used to. I cringe whenever I think of how I used to tearfully plead
with him for the "gift" of his acknowledgement and conversation.
How he must have enjoyed that. Well, those days are over.
May 12, 2009 9:45 AM
Guest
:
Its been a a roll-a-coster silent treatment for 7 very long and painful
years. Same behaviour and attitude as you all have mentioned. Now...Hell
NO. I'm letting him have his silent treament to himself. I'm moving on
and not looking back. I'm not giving him any inch of my soul or mind to
control no more. I feel much better knowing that I'm stronger and way
better than he is. He better go to hell than emotionally and mentally
torture me again. huuuuuuray Ladies...we can all do it. We're WORTHY
more then those cheap shots of SILENT TREATMENT... Get going and
moving sisters.................!!!!
Jun 13, 2009 5:33 AM
Guest
:
I am amazed and yet relieved that when I googled silent treatment it
actually was something that others were talking about. I have felt alone in
this. I can only echo the feelings of isolation and despair that one feels
in being disregarded and treated as if one did not exist. I have been
married for 27 years, have 3 children who I have always felt would be hurt
by a divorce. Both my husband and myself are children of divorce. It is
painful either way and I know that it is very difficult to break these
cycles. I think what is so hard is that the one on the receiving end is
always in that hopeful state that they want to believe the best in their
spouse as they can not fathom someone willingly and knowingly hurt someone.
They seem to lack empathy. I know that I am every bit a part of this
craziness, My married daughter says that she is angry that I continue to be
treated this way. We are in the 2 week stretching into the 3rd. As far as
getting help goes...I have gone to counseling with and without him, I have
been driven to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I have gone to
several clergymen only to be told to be patient and forgiving, to take my
thoughts captive, to be respectful of my husband... Believe me I want so
much to have a loving and mutually respectful relationship, but as soon as
I am upset myself or disagree about something and make it known to him I am
punished for days on end. I am just so happy to know I am not alone in
this very disheartening pattern of living. Thanks for the opportunity to
feel heard
Jun 14, 2009 12:19 PM
Guest
:
I understand that many people who give the silent treatment are trying to
punish, but its not always the case. When there is a problem with my Aunt,
she will continue to talk, but never about the problem. If I bring it up,
the accusations fly out of her mouth faster than the speed of light
(including how she never did anything wrong and I'm abusive). The only way
I can avoid opening the door to her mistreatment is to not speak to her.
I'm not abusing her, I'm protecting my self from her direct verbal
abuse.
Jun 14, 2009 3:45 PM
Guest
:
I have been so verbally bashed that I am afraid to speak. I don't have the
money to leave and am only accused of "exploding" and being the
instigator if I show any discontent at all. Even though I know the person
is unbalanced, I still feel like crap everytime she places the blame on me
(and no, she NEVER admits culpability). Silence isn't always the weapon,
sometimes its the only defense. A persons personality, intent, and
circumstances need to be considered before labeling all "silence"
as abusive.
Jun 27, 2009 1:10 PM
Guest
:
I was given the silent treatment from a man who claimed he loved me and
wanted to marry me. I found this strange because he gave me the silent
treatment only after he was caught cheating, while supposedly making
arrangements for our visit with my parents. I say, the silent treatment in
this case although spared me from years of grief, if it had lasted that
long, but , it also spared me from other forms of abuse that might have
been prerequisites for death! I really loved him, but loving your self more
is what matters!
Jun 30, 2009 5:44 PM
Guest
:
Well, I told him how he makes me feel when he does this and now when ever
he sees me he is so smug and pleased with himself. I made an effort to
break the silence and gave him fuel to continue the torture.
Jul 6, 2009 7:23 PM
Guest
:
For seven years I've done nothing but love this man-even though he gave me
the silent treatment for three years. We got back together and I did
everthing I could to convince this baby of a man that i truly love him.
Now he's back to the silent treatment because he thinks I don't trust him-
well no one does- and after reading these comments all I can do is laugh-
at myself for falling back into his trap. He's a lying cheating
maniupulating...I can't believe I ever thought of marrying this jerk and at
the same time I can't believe that I still love him-just alot less than i
did before. At least this time around i know it's definitely time to move
on. So I hope that he doesn't talk to me it will make things much easier.
i'm just tired of wondering why this and why that and thinking that there
is some way to convince him that its ok to love someone or for someone to
love him. I don't hate him I just wish I had the good sense not to love
him.
Jul 7, 2009 8:21 PM
Guest
:
Tonight I needed to find some form of support as to how I was feeling after
he came home from work and just shuffled around in my line of sight, making
his presence firmly known, but not saying anything, so I googled "is
silence emotional abuse?" and I found this site. Thank you for this.
I've been married to this passive aggresive mental case for 30 years. If
it weren't for my precious daughter, I would've been gone 14 years ago.
But now that she's old enough to understand, after all she's witnessed, I
plan on dumping the jerk. If he's not giving the silent treatment, he's
accusing me of everything that's wrong, giving me and/or my daughter
orders, and saying things that "pull the rug out from underneath
us" when we're happy. He's miserable, negative, and yet he thinks
he's God's gift to the world. Me and my daughter are so ready to get out
from under his toxic negativity. He's hurt my soul and mind for so long,
it's time for me to be good to myself and free myself from this emotional
chaos. And I know he'll regret it, until he finds another narcissistic
source for himself. He thinks he's perfect and NEVER wrong. I encourage
all my sisters in this to think positive and truly believe that you can
leave him and make it on your own. Love yourself and believe in
yourself.
Oct 4, 2008
