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Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse

The Silent Treatment is a Weapon in Abusive Relationships

Oct 4, 2008 Karen Stephenson

Silent treatments are destructive forces in abusive relationships. Silence is a silent form of anger that says you do not exist. Abusers use this as a form of punishment.

There are no reliable statistics that clearly state the extent of this specific form of abuse. Although some studies do indicate the level of emotional abuse that exists in our society, they do not target the “silent treatment”. Silent treatments should not be confused with what is referred to as the “cooling off” period after an argument.

Statistics do show that men and women are almost equal when it comes to spousal domestic violence. It’s believed that giving emotional abuse (in any form) is also almost equal between the genders.

Professor Linda Roberts of the University of Wisconsin wrote in the Journal of Marriage that a verbal withdrawal can be just as destructive to a relationship as actual violence. Psychological abuse is abuse.

Kip Williams, Ph.D. validates what victims of silence episodes feel, that there are detrimental effects to physical health as well as the mental health. Those who have been ill-treated on a repeated basis report a sense of not belonging, loss of control, low self esteem and unworthiness. They also have increased stress levels, headaches and depression.

Abusers will often withhold conversation and acknowledgment of their spouses’ existence to gain control. Although we all want some sense of control in our lives, to manipulate another is going about it the wrong way. When a person can not rest until they have their own way, then they have a personality disorder according to Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D, R-CSW. Deep down, these abusers are terrified of being vulnerable so they attempt to maintain full control the only way they know how. The vulnerability may stem from unresolved childhood issues or vulnerability to being abused in their relationship.

Ken (not his real name) was a victim of constant silent treatments throughout his marriage of 25 years. Some of these episodes lasted up to six weeks. He had several unresolved issues from his past and demonstrated physical violence in his marriage. In retaliation to gain some control, his wife would give the silent treatment. She also had unresolved issues from her childhood so her vulnerabilities were a combination of past childhood events and her current abusive relationship.

When this form of abuse occurs with children in the home it will teach them incorrect ways to deal with conflict that will impact their adult relationships. Children look to their parents as strong mentors and by showing them that it’s ok to tolerate abuse, or to abuse is enabling the circle of abuse.

The Abuser

The person who is the abuser needs to think about how their actions are affecting their partner. An abuser is both a coward and a bully. All abusers have excuses that are not to be accepted. Bottom line, silent treatments are wrong ways to deal with problems and can seriously inflict harm. Healing is a long process but if an abuser wants to rescue their relationship they need to realize it will take time, patience and persistence.

The Victim

If you’re on the receiving end of silent treatments then take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the relationship so therefore you must take a role in changing it. Tell your partner that enough is enough. Change your routine or behaviour to show you will no longer tolerate the abuse. Dr. Phil once referred to a saying: “There are no victims, only volunteers.” He also urges “don’t go along to get along”.

If you are being abused remember that you’re not alone. There is individual and relationship help out there. Speak to your doctor or church clergy. If this is not available to you then call a 24 hour help-line or distress line.

The copyright of the article Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse in Abuse is owned by Karen Stephenson. Permission to republish Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
You Needn't be Alone, K. Stephenson You Needn't be Alone
   
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Comments

Feb 9, 2009 7:51 AM
Guest :
Thank you for this information. I'm suffering from a 21 day silent treatment and am looking for a way to end the silence. I've tried different things to no avail. I tried giving him time and space, I tried apologizing for my behavior, I've kept silent just to see if that would work, I've tried opening up and being gentle. Nothing works. I pray a lot over this.
Feb 16, 2009 4:02 PM
Guest :
My silent treatment is only a week old this time, but every time it happens I lose respect and love for him. Fortunatly we don't live together and I've finally mustered the courage to move on.
Feb 18, 2009 6:43 AM
Guest :
The same thing is happening with my father,every now and then. He is getting older an older and cannot deal with it.I agree he is very immature and this is also a result of his harsh life.But I have been blaming myself all the time, looking for all sorts of explanations but this text has really opened my eyes.I will no longer be a victim and the only solution is to move away.
Mar 28, 2009 11:21 AM
Guest :
I left an emotionally abusive relationship a month ago. When I got the silent treatment I felt like a ghost or shadow in my own home. It devastated me and I just had to wait until he 'got over it' and noticed me again. I have learned in the last month that I suffer from extreme tramatic bonding and I know that this was caused mostly by the silent treatment then loving and reassurance I receive after each episode. I had no idea this was a form of abuse I just thought it was how he had to 'deal with' things sometimes.
Mar 28, 2009 12:36 PM
Guest :
I left an emotionally abusive relationship a month ago. When I got the silent treatment I felt like a ghost or shadow in my own home. It devastated me and I just had to wait until he 'got over it' and noticed me again. I have learned in the last month that I suffer from extreme tramatic bonding and I know that this was caused mostly by the silent treatment then loving and reassurance I receive after each episode. I had no idea this was a form of abuse I just thought it was how he had to 'deal with' things sometimes.
Apr 1, 2009 12:34 PM
Guest :
I recently ended a two year yo-yo verbal and emotional abusive relationship. We never lived together, but his silent treatments were severe, he would turn his message off on his phone and one time even block me from calling him. I am now in therapy and on meds because of this most abusive man.
Apr 1, 2009 4:00 PM
Guest :
i am having the hardest time finding a job. he puts that in my face everyday when i try to voice my opinion about anything. "you don't make money... get a job...leave...i pay for all the bills" we have a 9 year old son so to me that's a full time job. it's gotten worse. he calls while at work and tells our son to call me STUPID and many other things. he swears about me to our son. i cry myself to bed every night. there are many times i want to just sleep and never wake up. i dread having to start a whole new day. if it wasn't for my son i do believe i would not be here anymore. i look forward to the day i get a job and leave. that's what's holding me back.. being jobless with no income. i have family who will help but with the economy being so bad i feel quilty fro putting that on them. silent treatment... we live together but can go on days without saying a word to eachother. Our son don't say anything but i'm sure he's thinking something, and i know i'm not setting a good example for him. what do i do in the mean time.
Apr 23, 2009 8:13 AM
Guest :
I am just now realizing (or coming out of denial, actually) that I am in an abusive marriage. We have been married almost 5 years, but we have been together almost 8 years. When we first got together he was the sweetest most kind person I had ever met. However, slowly since we moved in together it has become a horror, or at least it feels that way. I get the silent treatment, but I also get name calling, awful coments, and lots of anger shouted in my direction. He also has a great way of always showing me I am the cause of his anger and complete unhappiness. It's like I have no defense. We can be involved in a normal conversation and out of nowhere he explodes into rage and proceeds to prove how I am the most worthless person on Earth. Then the silent treatment comes for a while....when that ends, he acts like nothing ever happened and I should be happy. If I ever get "brave" and express my opinions of the situation or his actions, he then says he is going to commit suicide because he is a horrible person. Which scares me and I go into panic mode begging him not to hurt himself. I then stay in a state of being afraid he will do something and it will be my fault. I would then have to explain to the world he couldn't stand his life with me, so he got out. So far he has taken pills, but it just made him sleep a while, and once he tried something with carbon monoxide, but could do it.....I can't remember why. Which of course that will eventually lead into "everything is fine, nothing ever went wrong and we are so happy." Right now he is mad at me and wants a divorce and has told me it's because he can't trust me and I am stupid, lazy, and will never change and he is tired of it all. Here's the sad part, I just want the man I met to come back out of him and for us to be a family that communicates and works through problems together in a healthier way. SO.....What do I do? Please, anybody, anywhere give me advice. I am desperate.
May 10, 2009 8:42 AM
Guest :
I've been a victim of the silent treatment for over 15 years. At first, it devastated me. I couldn't eat, sleep, think or anything. All I could do was worry and obsess over how to get him talking to me again. I was so worried he would leave me. When he is talking to me, he is very critical. Nothing I do is good enough. Recently, I discovered that about 90% of what comes out of his mouth isn't worth listening to. It's either lies, exaggerations or verbal abuse aimed at me, other drivers on the road, people he works with, people in stores, neighbors, etc. Given that, I've come to question why the silent treatment bothers me at all. I'm slowly beginning to see that it's a gift ... although he doesn't mean it as one. For however many days it takes for him to start talking to me, I don't have to listen to him criticize me or the rest of the world! I should see it as a vacation! I don't get as upset about it as I used to. I don't cry or beg or lose sleep over it. Usually, he calls me constantly throughout the day for various reasons, but when he's giving me the silent treatment, I'm not on that leash. I can have coffee with friends, go to the library or just stay home on the computer without having to worry about him calling me and yelling at me because I'm not doing whatever he thinks I should be doing. My whole thought process on the silent treatment is changing and I'm glad! While I still don't like it, I'm finding it much more tolerable than I used to. I cringe whenever I think of how I used to tearfully plead with him for the "gift" of his acknowledgement and conversation. How he must have enjoyed that. Well, those days are over.
May 12, 2009 9:45 AM
Guest :
Its been a a roll-a-coster silent treatment for 7 very long and painful years. Same behaviour and attitude as you all have mentioned. Now...Hell NO. I'm letting him have his silent treament to himself. I'm moving on and not looking back. I'm not giving him any inch of my soul or mind to control no more.
I feel much better knowing that I'm stronger and way better than he is. He better go to hell than emotionally and mentally torture me again.
huuuuuuray Ladies...we can all do it. We're WORTHY more then those cheap shots of SILENT TREATMENT...
Get going and moving sisters.................!!!!
Jun 13, 2009 5:33 AM
Guest :
I am amazed and yet relieved that when I googled silent treatment it actually was something that others were talking about. I have felt alone in this. I can only echo the feelings of isolation and despair that one feels in being disregarded and treated as if one did not exist. I have been married for 27 years, have 3 children who I have always felt would be hurt by a divorce. Both my husband and myself are children of divorce. It is painful either way and I know that it is very difficult to break these cycles. I think what is so hard is that the one on the receiving end is always in that hopeful state that they want to believe the best in their spouse as they can not fathom someone willingly and knowingly hurt someone. They seem to lack empathy. I know that I am every bit a part of this craziness, My married daughter says that she is angry that I continue to be treated this way. We are in the 2 week stretching into the 3rd. As far as getting help goes...I have gone to counseling with and without him, I have been driven to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I have gone to several clergymen only to be told to be patient and forgiving, to take my thoughts captive, to be respectful of my husband... Believe me I want so much to have a loving and mutually respectful relationship, but as soon as I am upset myself or disagree about something and make it known to him I am punished for days on end. I am just so happy to know I am not alone in this very disheartening pattern of living. Thanks for the opportunity to feel heard
Jun 14, 2009 12:19 PM
Guest :
I understand that many people who give the silent treatment are trying to punish, but its not always the case. When there is a problem with my Aunt, she will continue to talk, but never about the problem. If I bring it up, the accusations fly out of her mouth faster than the speed of light (including how she never did anything wrong and I'm abusive). The only way I can avoid opening the door to her mistreatment is to not speak to her. I'm not abusing her, I'm protecting my self from her direct verbal abuse.
Jun 14, 2009 3:45 PM
Guest :
I have been so verbally bashed that I am afraid to speak. I don't have the money to leave and am only accused of "exploding" and being the instigator if I show any discontent at all. Even though I know the person is unbalanced, I still feel like crap everytime she places the blame on me (and no, she NEVER admits culpability). Silence isn't always the weapon, sometimes its the only defense. A persons personality, intent, and circumstances need to be considered before labeling all "silence" as abusive.
Jun 27, 2009 1:10 PM
Guest :
I was given the silent treatment from a man who claimed he loved me and wanted to marry me. I found this strange because he gave me the silent treatment only after he was caught cheating, while supposedly making arrangements for our visit with my parents. I say, the silent treatment in this case although spared me from years of grief, if it had lasted that long, but , it also spared me from other forms of abuse that might have been prerequisites for death! I really loved him, but loving your self more is what matters!
Jun 30, 2009 5:44 PM
Guest :
Well, I told him how he makes me feel when he does this and now when ever he sees me he is so smug and pleased with himself. I made an effort to break the silence and gave him fuel to continue the torture.
Jul 6, 2009 7:23 PM
Guest :
For seven years I've done nothing but love this man-even though he gave me the silent treatment for three years. We got back together and I did everthing I could to convince this baby of a man that i truly love him. Now he's back to the silent treatment because he thinks I don't trust him- well no one does- and after reading these comments all I can do is laugh- at myself for falling back into his trap. He's a lying cheating maniupulating...I can't believe I ever thought of marrying this jerk and at the same time I can't believe that I still love him-just alot less than i did before. At least this time around i know it's definitely time to move on. So I hope that he doesn't talk to me it will make things much easier. i'm just tired of wondering why this and why that and thinking that there is some way to convince him that its ok to love someone or for someone to love him. I don't hate him I just wish I had the good sense not to love him.
Jul 7, 2009 8:21 PM
Guest :
Tonight I needed to find some form of support as to how I was feeling after he came home from work and just shuffled around in my line of sight, making his presence firmly known, but not saying anything, so I googled "is silence emotional abuse?" and I found this site. Thank you for this. I've been married to this passive aggresive mental case for 30 years. If it weren't for my precious daughter, I would've been gone 14 years ago. But now that she's old enough to understand, after all she's witnessed, I plan on dumping the jerk. If he's not giving the silent treatment, he's accusing me of everything that's wrong, giving me and/or my daughter orders, and saying things that "pull the rug out from underneath us" when we're happy. He's miserable, negative, and yet he thinks he's God's gift to the world. Me and my daughter are so ready to get out from under his toxic negativity. He's hurt my soul and mind for so long, it's time for me to be good to myself and free myself from this emotional chaos. And I know he'll regret it, until he finds another narcissistic source for himself. He thinks he's perfect and NEVER wrong. I encourage all my sisters in this to think positive and truly believe that you can leave him and make it on your own. Love yourself and believe in yourself.
Jul 14, 2009 6:19 PM
Guest :
Everyone's testimony is so powerful yet painful in instances where some find no way out. After my divorce I believed I found a soul mate like many others, a man who wanted to protect and be their for me. Yet he clearly has some emotional issues--up and down in his emotions and moods and often negative in his views and uses silence as a form of punishment and control. Then up the flip side a wonderful and affectionate person. I had decided to marry him but everything in my already independent and self sufficient personality said something is not right. And as often as I try to come up with a rationale for making it right, out of the blue I'm put on silence punishment. Really a god send --telling me it's time to move on for I have too muuch to accomplish. God bless him and may he find healing and the strength to address his problem.
Aug 15, 2009 8:36 PM
Guest :
I am in my mid-thirties and my mother has used the "silent treatment" to "punish" me, all my life. I always hated it and it injured me at the core, and has caused me problems in other relationships. However, I just accepted it and thought "that's just how she is". But now, I am getting the silent treatment from someone else who is very close to me. As I'm reading, I am understanding this is abuse...which is making me a victim. Am I somehow inviting people to emotionally abuse me?
Aug 18, 2009 9:24 AM
Guest :
I, like others, never thought getting the "silent treatment" was abuse. I took it from my "ex" to mean that I had hurt him and done wrong. I left my relationship with him 2 months ago. I look back at the things he did to ignore me and it still hurts. I suffer depression, panic and anger over this part of his abuse. This man would ignore me and say he didn't get my e-mails or texts (before I left him, he tried to tell me my phone must be broken). We would be in the middle of a texting conversation and he would just stop texting and I wouldn't hear from him. He left for 4 days on a trip and ignored me the entire time. Never put up with this behavior from someone.
Aug 20, 2009 6:24 PM
Guest :
In reply to this previous post. Leave now. Do not stop. Head for the door.

I get the silent treatment, but I also get name calling, awful coments, and lots of anger shouted in my direction. He also has a great way of always showing me I am the cause of his anger and complete unhappiness. It's like I have no defense. We can be involved in a normal conversation and out of nowhere he explodes into rage and proceeds to prove how I am the most worthless person on Earth. Then the silent treatment comes for a while....when that ends, he acts like nothing ever happened and I should be happy. If I ever get "brave" and express my opinions of the situation or his actions, he then says he is going to commit suicide because he is a horrible person. Which scares me and I go into panic mode begging him not to hurt himself. I then stay in a state of being afraid he will do something and it will be my fault. I would then have to explain to the world he couldn't stand his life with me, so he got out. So far he has taken pills, but it just made him sleep a while, and once he tried something with carbon monoxide, but could do it.....I can't remember why. Which of course that will eventually lead into "everything is fine, nothing ever went wrong and we are so happy." Right now he is mad at me and wants a divorce and has told me it's because he can't trust me and I am stupid, lazy, and will never change and he is tired of it all. Here's the sad part, I just want the man I met to come back out of him and for us to be a family that communicates and works through problems together in a healthier way.

Read more: http://emotional-verbal-abuse.suite101.com/article.cfm/emotional_abuse_is_m ental_abuse#ixzz0OmDviMPN
Sep 4, 2009 2:58 PM
Guest :
I think i'm an abuser. Well, no in fact i know i'm one. Conclusion hit today. I just got into a new relationship and am doing the same damned thing again. sabotage. she is a very sweet and patient girl and again, i find myself ignoring her when we have small spats usually caused or heightened by me. she always makes the first move for reconciliation and even says sorry when it's not HER FAULT! i'm very aware that i might have a personality problem, as i've done this in the past. how can i get help? do i NEED to be in therapy? i don't want to do this. not with her. or ever. i want to fix myself. it really sucks.
Sep 4, 2009 2:59 PM
Guest :
I think i'm an abuser. Well, no in fact i know i'm one. Conclusion hit today. I just got into a new relationship and am doing the same damned thing again. sabotage. she is a very sweet and patient girl and again, i find myself ignoring her when we have small spats usually caused or heightened by me. she always makes the first move for reconciliation and even says sorry when it's not HER FAULT! i'm very aware that i might have a personality problem, as i've done this in the past. how can i get help? do i NEED to be in therapy? i don't want to do this. not with her. or ever. i want to fix myself. it really sucks.
Sep 4, 2009 4:58 PM
Guest :
Hi everyone,
I have been married for 27 years . I have learned very well how to administer the silent treatment. My husband did that to me for years when ever we talked about his alcohol use and RX medication abuse, or his not comming home for days . Any thing that would stop him from having his freedom. He would go for weeks never saying a word to me. When I begged to know. My 2 sons are grown now. Thank God When I threatened to divore in 2006 he found sobriety. HA! Lasted about 3 years Since then just this year he drank one and abused RX medications again. Now we are in silent treatment mode again I am the giver this time around. I feel like I have nothing to say to him. I am now 50 years old I want to file for a divore and move on. I know acting this way is so childish and stressful. I have a great teacher to thank. Like everyone here change is hard but change should be for the good!! Finally over Aloha
Sep 13, 2009 11:40 AM
Guest :
I left my husband 4 weeks ago because I couldn't take the silent treatment any more. We were married 11 years with two boys (6 years) and he would go weeks, months without speaking to me---over the most insignificant reasons. example--he didn't talk to me for two days when I broke the towel bar in our bathroom because I was using it to steady myself when I was 8 months pregnant with twins. I could never live up to his expectations---I turned to pain pills for a while to help me cope with this abuse--and I know now that it is abuse. Finally got the strength to leave him. he is in therapy now and wants to get back together---but I am so wounded and weary and I just don't have it in me...There is so much laughter and sweetness to be had in life and I'm just starting to get glimpses of it...Thank you God
Sep 14, 2009 2:24 PM
Guest :
my husband is giving me the silent treatment too since saturday over something silly and its not the first time i've had almost twenty years of it only now i know its a form of mental abuse i try and go about my every day life but its tearing me apart inside and my confidence has hit rock bottom, i would like a trip inside his mind to see what goes on in there, he will often blow up at me and my daughter for little or no reason and then make like its all our fault, over the years i too have stopped begging pleading etc, i dont have the courage or confidence to leave but my plan is to have more of a life for myself instead of being at his beck and call 27/7
Sep 16, 2009 1:44 AM
Guest :
I have been in a relationship now for 18 months and currently experiencing the silent treatment once again. This is now possibly the 8th time since we have been together. Day 5 and I have finally stopped the tears and now eating again. We dont live together so its easy for him to go and hide. I am scared to move on but now that I have read all of the stories on this website, I feel the courage to find go and happiness. Hard to believe someone who is suppose to love you and be your soul mate, treating you like you dont exist !
Oct 2, 2009 12:20 PM
Guest :
My husband has been abusive to me in many ways. We are separated now and even though I know logically what he does to me is wrong, I am still hoping things work out. I am on week 6, I believe, of not existing to him. This is sheer torture for me. I am so confused on why I am apologizing to him and begging him to come home. He treats me like I'm not even good enough to stomp on anymore. I'm in counseling, on meds...I just want to stop the pain I'm in. How can he treat any person, let alone his wife and mother of his kids, this way?
Oct 6, 2009 12:01 PM
Guest :
I have been getting the silent treatment long distance and it is killing me. We have been together three years, most of it has been wonderful, but on occasion, when he's upset about something, he'd give me the silent treatment. It usually passed within an hour or two. But felt significant because our times together are short and therefore precious - 2-3 weeks together, then six weeks apart. But now he has lots of job pressure and pressure about wanting to invest his money in a home but not knowing what country to be in. And he has gone into a silent cave. He isn't seeing me on his five weeks off this time. Instead is gone to his father's home in another country, to sort out his life, but while sorting he is ignoring me. I am trying to give him space, but it is hard to do when he doesn't even acknowledge me. He has in the past asked me to move in with him, so it's not like we haven't talked about all this already. But he is stressed and a bit mad at me, I think, for not being more understanding (?). He doesn't return my phone calls or texts. Once I didn't text for two days and he texted that I'd been extremely quiet. I told him I was trying to respect his wish to work things out on his own, but I miss him and would love to talk to him when he is ready. Also told him to please keep me in the loop a little bit so I don't go bonkers. No reply. Normally when away he is in touch with me daily, by text, email or phone. Now, he has been silent for weeks, only sending one email and a couple of texts in all that time. No response ever to my concerns or my comments that I need to hear from him and that I love him. It's like he sends out just enough to keep me hooked, but not enough to feed me emotionally. I don't require much - just an I love you once in awhile. But he's ignoring me. I feel like i could die in a car accident and he wouldn't even know. I cry every day, I rage at God, I snap at my children, I am so depressed I can barely function, yet I try to get out there and live my life and continue on, and I vascillate between anger at him, and resolve to leave him, and love for him, and attempts to understand him. Or is that make excuses for him? I don't know. Because I do love him. And I hate myself. And i feel worthless and pointless and completely unlovable.
Oct 7, 2009 7:04 PM
Guest :
Thank you for the article and comments. I have been in a relationship for 1 year and this silent treatment has occured twice in a month. The first time it lasted 2 days and so far this time 4 days. I already figured out that it is a pattern and is abuse. Your article helped me to realize that it"s his problem and not mine.
Oct 12, 2009 9:10 PM
Guest :
I've been married for almost 3 years now, the silence treatment started few months into our marriage, it used to last for weeks up to 3 weeks, i used to feel down, depressed, sleeping and eating alot. We broke up a year ago lately we met again and I thought we were gonna give it a second chance, i was happy as i am still in love with this man, but here we are it is been 6 weeks this man didn't talk to me, doesn't know anything about me (we don't live together), I feel asif I passed away, I don't exist anymore...
I'm so much in pain, I want to file for divorce as i didn't yet, still hoping that things well get better, but it doesn't seem it will and i should come to the reality that I have to let go of him... It is all too painful
Oct 17, 2009 2:02 AM
Guest :
Im getting the silent treatment right now, from a person I care about. After starting a relationship with another girl when he told me he liked me I was devasted. However, he realized his mistake and wanted to start talking to me again and have me in his life. Because I care about him, I was willing to give him a chance. I am not one of those people that is all over someone if I like them, and because of past events I still feel guarded even though he has apologized. It's been a while since we started to patch things up, but I don't start any of our conversations because I have this wall up. I have many guy friends that I talk to more than him, just because I feel more comfortable and I will often hang around them then him. A few days ago he has started being short with me. I know he is upset about something, but I don't even know how to approach it without sounding naggy or annoying. If anyone could help me out, I'd really appreciate it.
Oct 22, 2009 6:55 AM
Karen Stephenson :
To the guest who left a comment on October 17th, please contact me at : angel-2424@hotmail.com
Oct 31, 2009 8:17 AM
Guest :
Right now i'm getting the silent treatment from my partner of 2 years. He gets very cross when, in his opinion, i'm needy for love and affection. To the outside world he is a wonderful man for many reasons. I don't live with him but behind closed doors he is not the same wonderful man! He can be so lovely which is what I find so confusing. However, when he turns into the moody, mean and emotionally unavaiable man he is, its truly awful. I have always searched for reasons why he turns and then gives me silent treatment. I now realise its his problem, not mine. We are on a break right now but he wants to talk. He was coming over to mine tonight but has just said he cant come - this is the start of more silent crap! He said on text we will meet up to talk soon, in other words, when he says! He has picked on how my hair is, whether im the right weight or not, to change my job if i dare moan about having a bad day the list goes on and on! He has compared me to his dead wife, saying they never had arguments! He says he cant cope with my mood swings, need for reassurance and can't see a future. Next he says he never said anything about moving on. I never know where I am with this man. I am trying so hard to be strong and leave him behind. Wish me luck as I do you if you are in this sort of soul destroying relationship.
Nov 24, 2009 12:22 PM
Guest :
I had no idea that the silent treatment was abuse! :( I feel really bad because I often am the one giving the silent treatment, I never knew I was causing pain though.
I give the silent treatment when i have been hurt by words or actions by my BF and I really hate confrontations. I have learned that when he asks me what is wrong and I tell him it will often lead to arguments because he don't want to look at the fact that I was hurt by him. SO instead I will give the silent treatment because I felt we would not be arguing back and forth and I will "show him" not to hurt me anymore.
The silent treatment drives him nuts, but I hate fighting too. He will often say things that hurt me more, things that he "didn't mean" as where I could never say to someone things I don't mean unless I really meant it. I learned how words can hurt, so that is why I have cosen to not speak words at all.
If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. That's what I have lived by. Unfortunately in that belief I never realized that I was causing pain or abuse. :(
Nov 27, 2009 5:04 AM
Guest :
How did we ever get to this point? From the posts it is hard to understand how intelligent caring people, who deep down inside know fully well that the abuse that we take needs to stop. No more pleading, taking the blame, or giving excuse. NO MORE PAIN. I have after 15 years of marriage realize what an idiot I have been to take this for so long. It is not my fault and I will no longer be the victim. I am taking control of my life and my destiny. To intentially hurt someone you say you love but can inflict pain by not speaking for days, weeks even months will come to an end real quick in my house. He is still not talking to me after 10 days however this is giving me the chance to get things lined up to leave this abuse once and for all. Take charge people. I have now just figured out that I need to stop playing the victim and get control of my life and no longer let him control my life. Boy, this power sure feels good.
Dec 11, 2009 12:42 PM
Guest :
Some of the comments sound just like mine. I've been married for 15 years and can't believe the silent treatment still comes out. It's been 3 months and he has not shown me any attention. I take the opportunity to hang out with friends and engage in other activities. At least I don't have to listen to his arrogant babbling during this time. I'm concerned though, about my 2 sons picking up this bad behavior. Keep sane ladies!
Dec 11, 2009 11:52 PM
Guest :
i give the silent treatment all the time. i didnt know by me doing this it would be considieder abuse. i no how muuch of a jerk i must be but i feel if i open up and let him know how i really feel ill just hurt him more.wen were mad at eachother he talks and lets me know how he feels and all that comes from me is silence.i have lots of thoughts going on in my head but i just can never find the words to explain myself. it makes me feel trapped in my own body.but ive been working on trying to let him know at least something. and now i want to work even harder on not giving the silent treatment.
Dec 12, 2009 9:20 AM
Guest :
Kudos for calling it like it is. I am an accomplished woman who has catered to an immature and damaged man for nearly a year. Although he has wonderful attributes (don't they all, and isn't this where it's too easy to get stuck..) he has given me the silent treatment perhaps half a dozen times, the longest, for 6 weeks! What I am noticing, which is perhaps a twist here, is that he does this, not only to punish me, but quite conveniently, to gain his 'freedom' for typically, the weekends. (He's also turned out to be a liar and cheater, so this weapon of choice is very well suited for him on a number of fronts). If he is ignoring me (and I too as another poster has stated, have tried it all -- gentleness, harshness, responding by not initiating contact for days or weeks, apologizing when I had no rational reason to, yet nothing works -- except typically if I call him repeatedly which he suggested after one episode as a way to 'reach him' (which is what a child expects I imagine --- for one to 'beg' or show extreme 'love' by pursuit that they so desperately need --- or in this case, likely what he was robbed of as a child).. I don't know, and best, I'm tired of the energy being expended to ponder it. It's absurd to attempt to analyze or over-analyze such bad behavior from an adult -- an adult who is supposed to have caring feelings for you! I find myself feeling sad for him (also agree with article, these folks are "BullyCowards")-- and because I'm typically a very strong and I believe mentally stable sort, I have been far too understanding -- and saddest part --to my own detriment. I'm strong 80% of the time and do not let his silence have much affect on me, however, the other 20% is spent crying and feeling so alone, depressed, unable to move on perhaps pre-mourning the future I thought we were capable of having... No longer. Onward and upward! Next stop: A man who knows HOW to communicate!
Dec 12, 2009 3:18 PM
Guest :
Been married for 4 years, and together with him for around 9. I can't believe I tolerated abuse for so long. Right now, my husband is not talking to me for 2 weeks. The only thing I did was I complained for about 40 seconds about something. I can never say anything that bothers me in fear he will not talk to me... not healthy. My kids started to realize we are not talking, so I refuse to lead them to believe that this is the right approach to solve problems. I am putting the house for rent so that we all have to move out, and I will not welcome him in my new home. I have to take control of my life, and this is not the right way to treat somebody you care... therefore, he does not care about me. I will not live a lie.
Dec 19, 2009 11:45 PM
Guest :
I have been married for four years, but I met my husband 8 years ago. Before we got married he was the most understanding person, we never had an argument because if I said I didn't like something he immediately would find a way to fix it. But when we got married everything changed. Most of the problems we have had are caused by the extreme love he feels for his Zmom and viceversa. Sometimes they make me feel like I am the third bad one interrupting their relation. Ever since the first time I mentioned something I didn't like about it, he stopped talking to me; the first times it was for days, later it was weeks and now it is for months. I am mexican, I moved to the US when we got married, and I don't have any family living here, which makes things really difficult for me when he gives me the silence treatment, because he acts as if HE didn't exist. He is never home and when he is, he sleeps in the guest room, he would not let me see him at all! I know it is insane, and I know it has been my fault the fact that things turned out this way, because I have always, since the first time, been the only one who tried to fix things, even I apologized for things that were not my fault just to be back toguether. I got him used to it, so I encouraged him to keep hurting me with no consecuences. I suddenly opened my eyes. All I can say is that I decided to stop it. One way or another. No more tears, no more nights asleep, no more depression.
Jan 6, 2010 8:49 AM
Guest :
I have been married for 3 years and I have had to deal with this since the first week I was here. The problem is that I don't know how to deal with it. I've never seen anything like it out of a grown adult. I have sat here stunned. I know that each of us has our faults and I am as guilty as the next, but talk through the problems don't hide from them. I don't have any self esteem left. I feel like I don't matter. I fight depression everyday and more often than not I lose that battle. I am not the same person I used to be. My friends tell me that all the time. I've lost most of them too. I feel so alone ad Isolated. I need an answer of what to do to drop down from heaven and show me the path to take!
Jan 9, 2010 11:35 AM
Guest :
I've been married for 4 years to a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde character and I'm tired of the mind games. We married when I was 39..I had been through relationships and didn't want another one..he was so charming but I DID feel he was forcing his way into my life..I went ahead and "went with it"..right now, I'm regretting it..he does some goofy stuff..then I can't tell if the silence/avoidance is because he's mad at me or if he's embarrassed for the dumb stuff he does. My finances are not the best and things will be worse if I an shake him loose (feel like he's hanging on like a leach). I am so disappointed because I do think marriage is supposed to be forever. Anyway, I appreciate the chance to vent anonymously. I know there are worse situations and people have worse problems but I want to be happy and don't believe I can if he remains in my life. He has been the only Dad my 8 year old daughter has known for 4 years..so that also makes things difficult. :(
Jan 17, 2010 8:03 PM
Guest :
WOW this was a great read, thank you so much.
I have been with my partner for 6 years, and I am afraid to speak up about anything anymore because I know it is usually going to result in me getting the silent treatment all day. I feel like everything is my fault and like a lot of people on here, I am always the one who comes to him apologising, even when things aren't my fault, just so he will start speaking to me again! At first I thought it was just his way of cooling off, but I can't stand it anymore. He completely shuts me out and never wants to talk about it. The longest it has lasted was 2 days, but when you live with someone who pretends you don't exist for 2 days, that's pretty tough.

Jan 29, 2010 4:20 AM
Guest :
Thank you for this article and for all the comments. I read many of them. I just divorced my husband of six years (dated 2 years prior) Like one women, wrote he was the sweetest man prior to marriage. Once married, I think I became his 'property.' Silent treatment, everything was my fault, swearing at me, then acting like all was fine and wanting sex. My whole self esteem dwindled. I began to realize, I was allowing him to control me by letting his anger and all his antics scare me into my own shell. I finally got up the courage to leave. The divorce was hard. He maniputilate his way through court, lied even to my friends I walked away even without my personal property. It is hard to regain my confidence at times. However, leaving him was the best thing I did! Advice, seek therapy to help regain trust in yourself and others afterwards!
Jan 29, 2010 4:50 PM
Choicechick :
Hi. So sad to see so many hurt people yet so good to know I'm not alone. I dated a guy for 2 months who repeatedly told me he wanted to marry me, move in with me soon etc.. etc... A week before my birthday all texting/phoning/contact ceased even on the day of my birthday when I texted him to remind him what day it was. I haven't heard from him since, 3 weeks ago now. It hurts so much because there is no resolution. I know he is still around, living his life as before I have just been silently cut off with no reasons, not a word. Really I feel like such an idiot for being so open with him. He has some property of mine that I don't expect to get back. (I have asked for these back in a text but of course heard nothing back from him). Silent treatment hurts, just hoping now that the maxim "time heals" is true. I know I'm a good person and am encouraged by all the posts here that say they are letting go and moving on. Much strength to us.

Feb 3, 2010 10:09 PM
Guest :
I pray a lot also. I've been getting the silent treatment for almost 3 weeks. I feel like I am dying. I just want him to talk to me and not be so mean when I try and talk to him. He makes me feel like I am nothing.
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