Silent treatments are destructive forces in abusive relationships. Silence is a silent form of anger that says you do not exist. Abusers use this as a form of punishment.
There are no reliable statistics that clearly state the extent of this specific form of abuse. Although some studies do indicate the level of emotional abuse that exists in our society, they do not target the “silent treatment”. Silent treatments should not be confused with what is referred to as the “cooling off” period after an argument.
Statistics do show that men and women are almost equal when it comes to spousal domestic violence. It’s believed that giving emotional abuse (in any form) is also almost equal between the genders.
Professor Linda Roberts of the University of Wisconsin wrote in the Journal of Marriage that a verbal withdrawal can be just as destructive to a relationship as actual violence. Psychological abuse is abuse.
Kip Williams, Ph.D. validates what victims of silence episodes feel, that there are detrimental effects to physical health as well as the mental health. Those who have been ill-treated on a repeated basis report a sense of not belonging, loss of control, low self esteem and unworthiness. They also have increased stress levels, headaches and depression.
Abusers will often withhold conversation and acknowledgment of their spouses’ existence to gain control. Although we all want some sense of control in our lives, to manipulate another is going about it the wrong way. When a person can not rest until they have their own way, then they have a personality disorder according to Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D, R-CSW. Deep down, these abusers are terrified of being vulnerable so they attempt to maintain full control the only way they know how. The vulnerability may stem from unresolved childhood issues or vulnerability to being abused in their relationship.
Ken (not his real name) was a victim of constant silent treatments throughout his marriage of 25 years. Some of these episodes lasted up to six weeks. He had several unresolved issues from his past and demonstrated physical violence in his marriage. In retaliation to gain some control, his wife would give the silent treatment. She also had unresolved issues from her childhood so her vulnerabilities were a combination of past childhood events and her current abusive relationship.
When this form of abuse occurs with children in the home it will teach them incorrect ways to deal with conflict that will impact their adult relationships. Children look to their parents as strong mentors and by showing them that it’s ok to tolerate abuse, or to abuse is enabling the circle of abuse.
The Abuser
The person who is the abuser needs to think about how their actions are affecting their partner. An abuser is both a coward and a bully. All abusers have excuses that are not to be accepted. Bottom line, silent treatments are wrong ways to deal with problems and can seriously inflict harm. Healing is a long process but if an abuser wants to rescue their relationship they need to realize it will take time, patience and persistence.
The Victim
If you’re on the receiving end of silent treatments then take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the relationship so therefore you must take a role in changing it. Tell your partner that enough is enough. Change your routine or behaviour to show you will no longer tolerate the abuse. Dr. Phil once referred to a saying: “There are no victims, only volunteers.” He also urges “don’t go along to get along”.
If you are being abused remember that you’re not alone. There is individual and relationship help out there. Speak to your doctor or church clergy. If this is not available to you then call a 24 hour help-line or distress line.
The copyright of the article Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse in Emotional/Verbal Abuse is owned by Karen Stephenson. Permission to republish Emotional Abuse is Mental Abuse in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Thank you for this information. I'm suffering from a 21 day silent
treatment and am looking for a way to end the silence. I've tried
different things to no avail. I tried giving him time and space, I tried
apologizing for my behavior, I've kept silent just to see if that would
work, I've tried opening up and being gentle. Nothing works. I pray a lot
over this.
Feb 16, 2009 4:02 PM
Guest :
My silent treatment is only a week old this time, but every time it happens
I lose respect and love for him. Fortunatly we don't live together and I've
finally mustered the courage to move on.
Feb 18, 2009 6:43 AM
Guest :
The same thing is happening with my father,every now and then. He is
getting older an older and cannot deal with it.I agree he is very immature
and this is also a result of his harsh life.But I have been blaming myself
all the time, looking for all sorts of explanations but this text has
really opened my eyes.I will no longer be a victim and the only solution is
to move away.
Mar 28, 2009 11:21 AM
Guest :
I left an emotionally abusive relationship a month ago. When I got the
silent treatment I felt like a ghost or shadow in my own home. It
devastated me and I just had to wait until he 'got over it' and noticed me
again. I have learned in the last month that I suffer from extreme tramatic
bonding and I know that this was caused mostly by the silent treatment then
loving and reassurance I receive after each episode. I had no idea this was
a form of abuse I just thought it was how he had to 'deal with' things
sometimes.
Mar 28, 2009 12:36 PM
Guest :
I left an emotionally abusive relationship a month ago. When I got the
silent treatment I felt like a ghost or shadow in my own home. It
devastated me and I just had to wait until he 'got over it' and noticed me
again. I have learned in the last month that I suffer from extreme tramatic
bonding and I know that this was caused mostly by the silent treatment then
loving and reassurance I receive after each episode. I had no idea this was
a form of abuse I just thought it was how he had to 'deal with' things
sometimes.
Apr 1, 2009 12:34 PM
Guest :
I recently ended a two year yo-yo verbal and emotional abusive
relationship. We never lived together, but his silent treatments were
severe, he would turn his message off on his phone and one time even block
me from calling him. I am now in therapy and on meds because of this most
abusive man.
Apr 1, 2009 4:00 PM
Guest :
i am having the hardest time finding a job. he puts that in my face
everyday when i try to voice my opinion about anything. "you don't
make money... get a job...leave...i pay for all the bills" we have a 9
year old son so to me that's a full time job. it's gotten worse. he calls
while at work and tells our son to call me STUPID and many other things. he
swears about me to our son. i cry myself to bed every night. there are many
times i want to just sleep and never wake up. i dread having to start a
whole new day. if it wasn't for my son i do believe i would not be here
anymore. i look forward to the day i get a job and leave. that's what's
holding me back.. being jobless with no income. i have family who will help
but with the economy being so bad i feel quilty fro putting that on them.
silent treatment... we live together but can go on days without saying a
word to eachother. Our son don't say anything but i'm sure he's thinking
something, and i know i'm not setting a good example for him. what do i do
in the mean time.
Apr 23, 2009 8:13 AM
Guest :
I am just now realizing (or coming out of denial, actually) that I am in an
abusive marriage. We have been married almost 5 years, but we have been
together almost 8 years. When we first got together he was the sweetest
most kind person I had ever met. However, slowly since we moved in together
it has become a horror, or at least it feels that way. I get the silent
treatment, but I also get name calling, awful coments, and lots of anger
shouted in my direction. He also has a great way of always showing me I am
the cause of his anger and complete unhappiness. It's like I have no
defense. We can be involved in a normal conversation and out of nowhere he
explodes into rage and proceeds to prove how I am the most worthless person
on Earth. Then the silent treatment comes for a while....when that ends, he
acts like nothing ever happened and I should be happy. If I ever get
"brave" and express my opinions of the situation or his actions,
he then says he is going to commit suicide because he is a horrible person.
Which scares me and I go into panic mode begging him not to hurt himself. I
then stay in a state of being afraid he will do something and it will be my
fault. I would then have to explain to the world he couldn't stand his life
with me, so he got out. So far he has taken pills, but it just made him
sleep a while, and once he tried something with carbon monoxide, but could
do it.....I can't remember why. Which of course that will eventually lead
into "everything is fine, nothing ever went wrong and we are so
happy." Right now he is mad at me and wants a divorce and has told me
it's because he can't trust me and I am stupid, lazy, and will never change
and he is tired of it all. Here's the sad part, I just want the man I met
to come back out of him and for us to be a family that communicates and
works through problems together in a healthier way. SO.....What do I do?
Please, anybody, anywhere give me advice. I am desperate.
May 10, 2009 8:42 AM
Guest :
I've been a victim of the silent treatment for over 15 years. At first, it
devastated me. I couldn't eat, sleep, think or anything. All I could do
was worry and obsess over how to get him talking to me again. I was so
worried he would leave me. When he is talking to me, he is very critical.
Nothing I do is good enough. Recently, I discovered that about 90% of what
comes out of his mouth isn't worth listening to. It's either lies,
exaggerations or verbal abuse aimed at me, other drivers on the road,
people he works with, people in stores, neighbors, etc. Given that, I've
come to question why the silent treatment bothers me at all. I'm slowly
beginning to see that it's a gift ... although he doesn't mean it as one.
For however many days it takes for him to start talking to me, I don't have
to listen to him criticize me or the rest of the world! I should see it as
a vacation! I don't get as upset about it as I used to. I don't cry or
beg or lose sleep over it. Usually, he calls me constantly throughout the
day for various reasons, but when he's giving me the silent treatment, I'm
not on that leash. I can have coffee with friends, go to the library or
just stay home on the computer without having to worry about him calling me
and yelling at me because I'm not doing whatever he thinks I should be
doing. My whole thought process on the silent treatment is changing and
I'm glad! While I still don't like it, I'm finding it much more tolerable
than I used to. I cringe whenever I think of how I used to tearfully plead
with him for the "gift" of his acknowledgement and conversation.
How he must have enjoyed that. Well, those days are over.
May 12, 2009 9:45 AM
Guest :
Its been a a roll-a-coster silent treatment for 7 very long and painful
years. Same behaviour and attitude as you all have mentioned. Now...Hell
NO. I'm letting him have his silent treament to himself. I'm moving on
and not looking back. I'm not giving him any inch of my soul or mind to
control no more. I feel much better knowing that I'm stronger and way
better than he is. He better go to hell than emotionally and mentally
torture me again. huuuuuuray Ladies...we can all do it. We're WORTHY
more then those cheap shots of SILENT TREATMENT... Get going and
moving sisters.................!!!!
Jun 13, 2009 5:33 AM
Guest :
I am amazed and yet relieved that when I googled silent treatment it
actually was something that others were talking about. I have felt alone in
this. I can only echo the feelings of isolation and despair that one feels
in being disregarded and treated as if one did not exist. I have been
married for 27 years, have 3 children who I have always felt would be hurt
by a divorce. Both my husband and myself are children of divorce. It is
painful either way and I know that it is very difficult to break these
cycles. I think what is so hard is that the one on the receiving end is
always in that hopeful state that they want to believe the best in their
spouse as they can not fathom someone willingly and knowingly hurt someone.
They seem to lack empathy. I know that I am every bit a part of this
craziness, My married daughter says that she is angry that I continue to be
treated this way. We are in the 2 week stretching into the 3rd. As far as
getting help goes...I have gone to counseling with and without him, I have
been driven to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I have gone to
several clergymen only to be told to be patient and forgiving, to take my
thoughts captive, to be respectful of my husband... Believe me I want so
much to have a loving and mutually respectful relationship, but as soon as
I am upset myself or disagree about something and make it known to him I am
punished for days on end. I am just so happy to know I am not alone in
this very disheartening pattern of living. Thanks for the opportunity to
feel heard
Jun 14, 2009 12:19 PM
Guest :
I understand that many people who give the silent treatment are trying to
punish, but its not always the case. When there is a problem with my Aunt,
she will continue to talk, but never about the problem. If I bring it up,
the accusations fly out of her mouth faster than the speed of light
(including how she never did anything wrong and I'm abusive). The only way
I can avoid opening the door to her mistreatment is to not speak to her.
I'm not abusing her, I'm protecting my self from her direct verbal
abuse.
Jun 14, 2009 3:45 PM
Guest :
I have been so verbally bashed that I am afraid to speak. I don't have the
money to leave and am only accused of "exploding" and being the
instigator if I show any discontent at all. Even though I know the person
is unbalanced, I still feel like crap everytime she places the blame on me
(and no, she NEVER admits culpability). Silence isn't always the weapon,
sometimes its the only defense. A persons personality, intent, and
circumstances need to be considered before labeling all "silence"
as abusive.
Jun 27, 2009 1:10 PM
Guest :
I was given the silent treatment from a man who claimed he loved me and
wanted to marry me. I found this strange because he gave me the silent
treatment only after he was caught cheating, while supposedly making
arrangements for our visit with my parents. I say, the silent treatment in
this case although spared me from years of grief, if it had lasted that
long, but , it also spared me from other forms of abuse that might have
been prerequisites for death! I really loved him, but loving your self more
is what matters!
Jun 30, 2009 5:44 PM
Guest :
Well, I told him how he makes me feel when he does this and now when ever
he sees me he is so smug and pleased with himself. I made an effort to
break the silence and gave him fuel to continue the torture.
Jul 6, 2009 7:23 PM
Guest :
For seven years I've done nothing but love this man-even though he gave me
the silent treatment for three years. We got back together and I did
everthing I could to convince this baby of a man that i truly love him.
Now he's back to the silent treatment because he thinks I don't trust him-
well no one does- and after reading these comments all I can do is laugh-
at myself for falling back into his trap. He's a lying cheating
maniupulating...I can't believe I ever thought of marrying this jerk and at
the same time I can't believe that I still love him-just alot less than i
did before. At least this time around i know it's definitely time to move
on. So I hope that he doesn't talk to me it will make things much easier.
i'm just tired of wondering why this and why that and thinking that there
is some way to convince him that its ok to love someone or for someone to
love him. I don't hate him I just wish I had the good sense not to love
him.
Jul 7, 2009 8:21 PM
Guest :
Tonight I needed to find some form of support as to how I was feeling after
he came home from work and just shuffled around in my line of sight, making
his presence firmly known, but not saying anything, so I googled "is
silence emotional abuse?" and I found this site. Thank you for this.
I've been married to this passive aggresive mental case for 30 years. If
it weren't for my precious daughter, I would've been gone 14 years ago.
But now that she's old enough to understand, after all she's witnessed, I
plan on dumping the jerk. If he's not giving the silent treatment, he's
accusing me of everything that's wrong, giving me and/or my daughter
orders, and saying things that "pull the rug out from underneath
us" when we're happy. He's miserable, negative, and yet he thinks
he's God's gift to the world. Me and my daughter are so ready to get out
from under his toxic negativity. He's hurt my soul and mind for so long,
it's time for me to be good to myself and free myself from this emotional
chaos. And I know he'll regret it, until he finds another narcissistic
source for himself. He thinks he's perfect and NEVER wrong. I encourage
all my sisters in this to think positive and truly believe that you can
leave him and make it on your own. Love yourself and believe in
yourself.
Jul 14, 2009 6:19 PM
Guest :
Everyone's testimony is so powerful yet painful in instances where some
find no way out. After my divorce I believed I found a soul mate like many
others, a man who wanted to protect and be their for me. Yet he clearly has
some emotional issues--up and down in his emotions and moods and often
negative in his views and uses silence as a form of punishment and control.
Then up the flip side a wonderful and affectionate person. I had decided to
marry him but everything in my already independent and self sufficient
personality said something is not right. And as often as I try to come up
with a rationale for making it right, out of the blue I'm put on silence
punishment. Really a god send --telling me it's time to move on for I have
too muuch to accomplish. God bless him and may he find healing and the
strength to address his problem.
Aug 15, 2009 8:36 PM
Guest :
I am in my mid-thirties and my mother has used the "silent
treatment" to "punish" me, all my life. I always hated it
and it injured me at the core, and has caused me problems in other
relationships. However, I just accepted it and thought "that's just
how she is". But now, I am getting the silent treatment from someone
else who is very close to me. As I'm reading, I am understanding this is
abuse...which is making me a victim. Am I somehow inviting people to
emotionally abuse me?
Aug 18, 2009 9:24 AM
Guest :
I, like others, never thought getting the "silent treatment" was
abuse. I took it from my "ex" to mean that I had hurt him and
done wrong. I left my relationship with him 2 months ago. I look back at
the things he did to ignore me and it still hurts. I suffer depression,
panic and anger over this part of his abuse. This man would ignore me and
say he didn't get my e-mails or texts (before I left him, he tried to tell
me my phone must be broken). We would be in the middle of a texting
conversation and he would just stop texting and I wouldn't hear from him.
He left for 4 days on a trip and ignored me the entire time. Never put up
with this behavior from someone.
Aug 20, 2009 6:24 PM
Guest :
In reply to this previous post. Leave now. Do not stop. Head for the
door.
I get the silent treatment, but I also get name calling,
awful coments, and lots of anger shouted in my direction. He also has a
great way of always showing me I am the cause of his anger and complete
unhappiness. It's like I have no defense. We can be involved in a normal
conversation and out of nowhere he explodes into rage and proceeds to prove
how I am the most worthless person on Earth. Then the silent treatment
comes for a while....when that ends, he acts like nothing ever happened and
I should be happy. If I ever get "brave" and express my opinions
of the situation or his actions, he then says he is going to commit suicide
because he is a horrible person. Which scares me and I go into panic mode
begging him not to hurt himself. I then stay in a state of being afraid he
will do something and it will be my fault. I would then have to explain to
the world he couldn't stand his life with me, so he got out. So far he has
taken pills, but it just made him sleep a while, and once he tried
something with carbon monoxide, but could do it.....I can't remember why.
Which of course that will eventually lead into "everything is fine,
nothing ever went wrong and we are so happy." Right now he is mad at
me and wants a divorce and has told me it's because he can't trust me and I
am stupid, lazy, and will never change and he is tired of it all. Here's
the sad part, I just want the man I met to come back out of him and for us
to be a family that communicates and works through problems together in a
healthier way.
I think i'm an abuser. Well, no in fact i know i'm one. Conclusion hit
today. I just got into a new relationship and am doing the same damned
thing again. sabotage. she is a very sweet and patient girl and again, i
find myself ignoring her when we have small spats usually caused or
heightened by me. she always makes the first move for reconciliation and
even says sorry when it's not HER FAULT! i'm very aware that i might have a
personality problem, as i've done this in the past. how can i get help? do
i NEED to be in therapy? i don't want to do this. not with her. or ever. i
want to fix myself. it really sucks.
Sep 4, 2009 2:59 PM
Guest :
I think i'm an abuser. Well, no in fact i know i'm one. Conclusion hit
today. I just got into a new relationship and am doing the same damned
thing again. sabotage. she is a very sweet and patient girl and again, i
find myself ignoring her when we have small spats usually caused or
heightened by me. she always makes the first move for reconciliation and
even says sorry when it's not HER FAULT! i'm very aware that i might have a
personality problem, as i've done this in the past. how can i get help? do
i NEED to be in therapy? i don't want to do this. not with her. or ever. i
want to fix myself. it really sucks.
Sep 4, 2009 4:58 PM
Guest :
Hi everyone, I have been married for 27 years . I have learned very
well how to administer the silent treatment. My husband did that to me for
years when ever we talked about his alcohol use and RX medication abuse, or
his not comming home for days . Any thing that would stop him from having
his freedom. He would go for weeks never saying a word to me. When I
begged to know. My 2 sons are grown now. Thank God When I threatened to
divore in 2006 he found sobriety. HA! Lasted about 3 years Since then
just this year he drank one and abused RX medications again. Now we are in
silent treatment mode again I am the giver this time around. I feel like I
have nothing to say to him. I am now 50 years old I want to file for a
divore and move on. I know acting this way is so childish and stressful.
I have a great teacher to thank. Like everyone here change is hard but
change should be for the good!! Finally over Aloha
Sep 13, 2009 11:40 AM
Guest :
I left my husband 4 weeks ago because I couldn't take the silent treatment
any more. We were married 11 years with two boys (6 years) and he would go
weeks, months without speaking to me---over the most insignificant reasons.
example--he didn't talk to me for two days when I broke the towel bar in
our bathroom because I was using it to steady myself when I was 8 months
pregnant with twins. I could never live up to his expectations---I turned
to pain pills for a while to help me cope with this abuse--and I know now
that it is abuse. Finally got the strength to leave him. he is in therapy
now and wants to get back together---but I am so wounded and weary and I
just don't have it in me...There is so much laughter and sweetness to be
had in life and I'm just starting to get glimpses of it...Thank you God
Sep 14, 2009 2:24 PM
Guest :
my husband is giving me the silent treatment too since saturday over
something silly and its not the first time i've had almost twenty years of
it only now i know its a form of mental abuse i try and go about my every
day life but its tearing me apart inside and my confidence has hit rock
bottom, i would like a trip inside his mind to see what goes on in there,
he will often blow up at me and my daughter for little or no reason and
then make like its all our fault, over the years i too have stopped begging
pleading etc, i dont have the courage or confidence to leave but my plan is
to have more of a life for myself instead of being at his beck and call
27/7
Sep 16, 2009 1:44 AM
Guest :
I have been in a relationship now for 18 months and currently experiencing
the silent treatment once again. This is now possibly the 8th time since
we have been together. Day 5 and I have finally stopped the tears and now
eating again. We dont live together so its easy for him to go and hide. I
am scared to move on but now that I have read all of the stories on this
website, I feel the courage to find go and happiness. Hard to believe
someone who is suppose to love you and be your soul mate, treating you like
you dont exist !
Oct 2, 2009 12:20 PM
Guest :
My husband has been abusive to me in many ways. We are separated now and
even though I know logically what he does to me is wrong, I am still hoping
things work out. I am on week 6, I believe, of not existing to him. This is
sheer torture for me. I am so confused on why I am apologizing to him and
begging him to come home. He treats me like I'm not even good enough to
stomp on anymore. I'm in counseling, on meds...I just want to stop the pain
I'm in. How can he treat any person, let alone his wife and mother of his
kids, this way?
Oct 6, 2009 12:01 PM
Guest :
I have been getting the silent treatment long distance and it is killing
me. We have been together three years, most of it has been wonderful, but
on occasion, when he's upset about something, he'd give me the silent
treatment. It usually passed within an hour or two. But felt significant
because our times together are short and therefore precious - 2-3 weeks
together, then six weeks apart. But now he has lots of job pressure and
pressure about wanting to invest his money in a home but not knowing what
country to be in. And he has gone into a silent cave. He isn't seeing me on
his five weeks off this time. Instead is gone to his father's home in
another country, to sort out his life, but while sorting he is ignoring me.
I am trying to give him space, but it is hard to do when he doesn't even
acknowledge me. He has in the past asked me to move in with him, so it's
not like we haven't talked about all this already. But he is stressed and a
bit mad at me, I think, for not being more understanding (?). He doesn't
return my phone calls or texts. Once I didn't text for two days and he
texted that I'd been extremely quiet. I told him I was trying to respect
his wish to work things out on his own, but I miss him and would love to
talk to him when he is ready. Also told him to please keep me in the loop a
little bit so I don't go bonkers. No reply. Normally when away he is in
touch with me daily, by text, email or phone. Now, he has been silent for
weeks, only sending one email and a couple of texts in all that time. No
response ever to my concerns or my comments that I need to hear from him
and that I love him. It's like he sends out just enough to keep me hooked,
but not enough to feed me emotionally. I don't require much - just an I
love you once in awhile. But he's ignoring me. I feel like i could die in a
car accident and he wouldn't even know. I cry every day, I rage at God, I
snap at my children, I am so depressed I can barely function, yet I try to
get out there and live my life and continue on, and I vascillate between
anger at him, and resolve to leave him, and love for him, and attempts to
understand him. Or is that make excuses for him? I don't know. Because I do
love him. And I hate myself. And i feel worthless and pointless and
completely unlovable.
Oct 7, 2009 7:04 PM
Guest :
Thank you for the article and comments. I have been in a relationship for 1
year and this silent treatment has occured twice in a month. The first time
it lasted 2 days and so far this time 4 days. I already figured out that it
is a pattern and is abuse. Your article helped me to realize that it"s
his problem and not mine.
Oct 12, 2009 9:10 PM
Guest :
I've been married for almost 3 years now, the silence treatment started few
months into our marriage, it used to last for weeks up to 3 weeks, i used
to feel down, depressed, sleeping and eating alot. We broke up a year ago
lately we met again and I thought we were gonna give it a second chance, i
was happy as i am still in love with this man, but here we are it is been 6
weeks this man didn't talk to me, doesn't know anything about me (we don't
live together), I feel asif I passed away, I don't exist anymore... I'm so much in pain, I want to file for divorce as i didn't yet, still
hoping that things well get better, but it doesn't seem it will and i
should come to the reality that I have to let go of him... It is all too
painful
Oct 17, 2009 2:02 AM
Guest :
Im getting the silent treatment right now, from a person I care about.
After starting a relationship with another girl when he told me he liked me
I was devasted. However, he realized his mistake and wanted to start
talking to me again and have me in his life. Because I care about him, I
was willing to give him a chance. I am not one of those people that is all
over someone if I like them, and because of past events I still feel
guarded even though he has apologized. It's been a while since we started
to patch things up, but I don't start any of our conversations because I
have this wall up. I have many guy friends that I talk to more than him,
just because I feel more comfortable and I will often hang around them then
him. A few days ago he has started being short with me. I know he is upset
about something, but I don't even know how to approach it without sounding
naggy or annoying. If anyone could help me out, I'd really appreciate it.
Oct 22, 2009 6:55 AM
Karen Stephenson :
To the guest who left a comment on October 17th, please contact me at :
angel-2424@hotmail.com
Oct 4, 2008
