When people think of domestic abuse, they often imagine bruises, bleeding, external scars or other signs of being beaten. Yet abuse can take many forms. Emotional or verbal abuse is even worse, to some extent, as the effects can't be seen on the surface and people don't take the consequences of these actions as seriously. However, psychological kinds of abuse can be extremely damaging to self esteem and the future of all the individual's relationships.
Domination and Isolation
The abusive spouse usually takes control over the relationship. He may tell his partner what to say and do in specific situations or forbid her from undertaking particular actions or reaching goals. To maintain this dominance, the abuser has to isolate his victim. By telling the spouse lies about her family and friends, the abuser makes his partner lose trust in those who should be her allies. Further, he will usually bar her from going to work or school, environments where she will be able to ask for advice or seek support.
Humiliation and Shame
The abuser needs to make his spouse feel worthless. Once she does, she will be in his power. To effect this, he will call her names, put her down, create feelings of disgust, repulsion and shame in her, try to make her loathe her body, her past and her abilities. He tries to render her incapable of leaving him by emphasizing her general unworthiness. If she believes no one else will find her attractive or interesting, then she will be unable to make the moves required to free herself from his abuse.
Threats and Intimidation
Sometimes the abuse is less subtle than dominance or humiliation and the abuser resorts to outright threats. These could include a threat to damage property, her life or the lives of other loved ones, to leave her without any means of support, or to report her to authorities. Intimidation can involve gestures towards physical violence such as smashing objects in front of you, bashing their own heads or fists into walls, hurting pets, glaring cruelly or overtly displaying weapons.
Blame and Denial
The abuser becomes very adept at lying and shifting the responsibility for his actions onto others, especially his spouse. He may say that he only yelled and insulted his partner because he had a bad day. He may blame his reactions on patterns developed in his childhood. Even worse, he may try to make his spouse feel like she is at fault for causing him to act out. The abuser may make things more confusing for his partner by shifting rapidly between emotional and verbal abuse, apologies, gifts and then further acts of abusiveness.
Emotional and verbal abuse has long range consequences. Any of these patterns of behaviour are signs of an unhealthy relationship that must receive counselling and/or be ended before the abuse continues to escalate.
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