According to Beverly Engel's inspirational and potentially life-changing book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, New York: Wiley, 2003, emotional abuse is one of the most intangible mental health concerns that is faced today. Because many cases of emotional abuse are never recognized, acted upon, and reported, it is extremely difficult for even trained psychologists and psychiatrists to dissect the inner-workings of an emotionally abusive relationship.
However, if you suspect that you are involved in such a relationship, or if you have witnessed someone else who has been, you might have realized that emotionally abusive relationships are comprised of many complex elements which can be seemingly impossible to understand.
From the origins of the abuser’s behavior, to the telltale signs of his abusive behavior, to the impact this behavior has on the victim, to the possibility which states that the victim may either become an abuser or become abused again later in life, emotional abuse is a vicious cycle that is perpetuated by unresolved issues and a lack of self-understanding.
As stated by Engel, emotional abuse can manifest itself in many forms, which can include:
- Humiliation and degradation
- Discounting and negating
- Domination and control
- Judging and criticizing
- Accusing and blaming
- Trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations
- Emotional distancing and the 'silent treatment'
- Isolation (1)
However, many victims simply chalk these psychologically damaging acts up to a love spat, a test of their faith, an inevitable part of marriage, or however else they may define it. In fact, many victims are stripped of their rational perceptions while being abused, thus losing their ability to judge these situations in a logical manner.
Engel states: “Slowly, systematically, their self-confidence is whittled away, their self-esteem is eroded, and their perception of themselves is distorted—and yet they don’t even know it is happening” (1). She continues by reaffirming the fact that “often, emotional abuse between couples is denied, made light of, or written off as simple conflicts or “love-spats” when in fact one or both partners are being severely damaged psychologically" (1).
People who are trapped within emotionally abusive relationships must understand that they cannot will the problems away. In fact, as the abuser continues to maltreat the victim in psychologically injurious ways, the victim becomes more susceptible to developing abusive patterns of her own, or even become involved with another emotionally abusive individual down the line.
This is why it is imperative to recognize that there is a problem in the first place. By doing so, you will be granting yourself a chance to overcome the emotional damage that has already been inflicted upon you, regain your self-esteem, inherent value, and rational perceptions, and combat the possibility of becoming an abuser, harboring feelings of anger, resentment, and angst, or even developing Borderline Personality Disorder.
Engel writes, “according to the DSM-V, Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-images, and affects (moods) and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood…” (1). Some symptoms of BPD include:
- Inappropriate, intense anger or an inability to control your anger
- A need to control your partner and your environment
- Intense fear of rejection or abandonment
- A tendency to alternately idealize and devalue a person
- Feelings that vary dramatically from moment to moment (1).
Due to the fact that an emotionally abusive relationship can cause the victim to develop BPD, and thus bring the original victim to emotionally abuse someone else in a desperate attempt to regain everything the original abuser stripped away, a nasty chain reaction emerges. However, by becoming more cognizant of the quality of the relationships we are in, having the courage to end an emotionally abusive relationship if the abuser fails to show any willingness to change, and remembering that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, compassion, and respect, we as a nation can help stop the plague that is psychological abuse.
(1) Engel, Beverly. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship : How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. New York: Wiley, 2003.
