This article examines the problems men have in their relationships, particularly with women because of society's perception of appropriate masculine behavior.
Studies show that society holds basic generalities about young boys. Boys receive tools, bats, fishing rods, trucks and cars. They are cuddled less, and taught to repress their vulnerable feelings. Boys are encouraged to express aggression and expected to succeed in a profession, never admitting to any need for dependence (Dickstein, 1988).
Within the past 20 years, men have fallen apart emotionally due to broken relationships. The lack of socialization training has contributed to the deficient skills men have to communicate their feelings and express their anger constructively. Men often experience a sense of helplessness in their insufficient ability to cope and express vulnerable emotions; as a result, they become violent in how they communicate and in their behaviors.
The Peter Pan Syndrome
“The little boy who does not want to grow up”
Dan Kiley
Dan Kiley authored the book, The Peter Pan Syndrome (1983). Based on research of the effects of male socialization on relationships, Kiley developed the clinical diagnosis of the Peter Pan Syndrome. Males diagnosed with having this syndrome exhibit the following psychological traits:
- Emotions become paralyzed and exaggerated
- Anger turns into rage
- Joy turns into hysteria
- Disappointment develops into depression or self-pity
How the Peter Pan Syndrome Affects Men’s Lives
Males diagnosed with this syndrome
- Have difficulty expressing love
- Refuse to share their feelings
- Lose touch with their emotions and have no idea what they feel
- Procrastinate
- Feel guilt and have difficulty in relaxing
- Have no real connection with friends. Believes friends can only be bought
- Easily panic and feel desperately alone in their attempts to belong
The idea of apologizing for inappropriate behavior is not an option. Blame is placed on other’s shortcomings so they do not have to focus on their own limitations and vulnerabilities. Alcohol or drug abuse is used to get high in order to drown out the existence of daily life challenges.
Relationships with Parents
Men suffering from the Peter Pan Syndrome have a
- Hang up with their mother
- The anger and guilt they feel are interwoven, masking their conflicted feelings for the mother
- The relationship with the father is estranged
- They believe that the father’s love and approval are unobtainable
- Have problems with authority figures
- Tend to be emotionally immature
- Exhibit silly behavior
- Have a macho attitude that hides their deep inner insecurities in attempts to hide the fear of rejection
Relationships with Women
When the male forms attachment with a woman they
- Become extremely jealous and exhibit violent outbursts
- Become easily provoked to fits of rage when a woman asserts any independence
A woman’s dependency is important for the male to feel protective of the woman. The fear of impotency and rejection contributes to verbally abusive behavior. The male strives to patronize the woman and appear strong and assertive when actually, feels threatened by the woman’s independence. The fear of appearing weak and unmanly in front of friends causes the male to deny any desire to share their own sensitivity with women.
