Being in a relationship with a person who suffers with narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, is difficult. At the onset of a relationship with a narcissist, everything seems wonderful. Very few people are able to detect the trouble they are about to commit to because they are in love or infatuated with just how terrific their chosen partner appears to be. Once commitment is solidified and “the best foot forward” starts to slip back, then doubt begins.
The narcissist behaviors display a false image to others. Once in the security of a relationship, that image erodes and most of these traits become apparent:
- Self-focus in interpersonal conversations.
- Problems in sustaining a relationship.
- Lacking psychological awareness.
- Is not empathetic.
- Self love.
- Hypersensitivity to any imagined insults or slights.
- Flatters only those who admire and affirm the narcissist
- Only likes those who admire the narcissist.
- Uses people for selfish reasons only.
- Pretends to be very important.
- Brags and exaggerates personal achievements.
- Claims to be an expert on everything.
- Unable to view the world from another perspective.
- Denies remorse and gratitude.
- Everyone must agree with what is said by the narcissist or else there is rage.
Drew Westen, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychiatry at Emory University in Atlanta, authored a study that suggests the official diagnostic criteria for NPD are too narrow. He validates that the grandiosity displayed by a narcissist is actually a cover for the underlying traits such as constant feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and worthlessness. These mostly stem from childhood and this is a serious mental health issue. The subconscious desire to pacify these feelings, results in mental conditions of paranoia, envy and rage.
Westen says that narcissists often do not seek help until they are in their 40s because it's only then that they see their life is not going the way they had hoped. Marital troubles, inability to maintain interpersonal relationships and constant problems at work or keeping a job, all compound until the narcissist finally sees it is not the world around them causing turmoil, it is self-created.
For those in a relationship with a narcissist, approaching the problem is difficult. Taking ownership of feelings and thoughts is important when trying to talk to a narcissist. Attacking the narcissist with “you” statements will build walls, as it does in any conflict situation and can result in further verbal abuse.
Getting help to sort through the verbal abuse suffered is important. Many services are available; however, not everyone has financial resources to spare on counseling. Having a good support network of friends and family to talk with is crucial.
If family or friend support is not successful or possible, find an online support group. However, before signing up for any group, getting a fresh email address to use is advisable. Taking precautions is essential to self-protect from further forms of abuse. Use a screen name that is new and keep it only for online support group use and never disclose where you live. Anyone can be out there reading what is posted and online predators do exist.
The road to recovery is difficult, but finding support from those who have experienced similar relationships will be most beneficial.
Further Reading:
Narcissism: A Self-Love Defense Mechanism
Emotional Abuse is Emotional Bullying
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