Remember when you believed you were smart, good, talented and interesting? It is time to believe again.
Marriages can sometimes take on a destructive dynamic. Two people join their lives for the purpose of sharing, loving, and created a greater happiness than either could have individually. It is quite natural, therefore, to adopt a frame of mind aimed toward pleasing one another. As long as this mindset remains mutual, the marriage remains healthy and beneficial for both. Unfortunately, sometimes the marriage becomes terribly one sided and one partner slowly begins a pattern of attempting to live up to the ever increasing expectations and standards of the other.
The process is often a slow one. Oftentimes, so slow that it is virtually undetectable in the earliest stages. The occasionally stinging comment is tossed aside as nothing more than the result of a hard day at work. The ridicule is so slight that it can easily be dismissed as constructive criticism and nothing more. These behaviors may indicate the birth of a transformation in your marriage that will lead to a severe and troubling loss of confidence and sense of self for you.
Certainly we all experience moments of disappointment in one another. These moments are not cause for alarm. However, individual instances can, in some instances, turn into habitual behaviors that are in deed cause for apprehension. These behaviors may remain somewhat civil and subdued or may escalate into cruel character attacks motivated by spite and fury. Consider the following in determining whether or not your marriage has taken this unhealthy turn:
- Micro-management of your daily activities by your spouse can be cause for concern. Is your spouse now involved in tasks or activities that were once your sole responsibility? Is he commenting on your ability to do these things to his level of satisfaction? Do you find yourself concerned with his approval when evaluating whether or not you have done these things adequately?
- Criticism of your physical appearance is extreme cause for concern, as well. Is he more concerned than before with your hair, weight or clothing choices? Do you find yourself feeling self-conscious about your appearance when your husband is around?
- Does your husband make comments or jokes at your expense? Is he guilty of saying unkind things to you followed by, "just joking." Has he been disrespectful to you in front of friends or family by making inappropriate comments or jokes about you?
- Are your parenting skills and techniques criticized without cause? While it is common and healthy for two parents to have differing opinions regarding some child rearing issues, it becomes problematic should this escalate into belittling remarks or disparagement in front of the children.
- Do you find yourself feeling somewhat bothersome to your spouse when you talk with him or try to engage him in conversation? Are you more careful with your words and choice of topics than you would be with someone you consider to be a friend and ally?
This type of dynamic between you and your spouse will leave you feeling doubtful and burdensome. You will find yourself second guessing your decisions and questioning your choices. Once comfortable and at ease with who you are, you may now be feeling inadequate and undesirable. While all of us have a responsibility to grow and improve, this responsibility is one that we should dispense upon ourselves rather than responding to the expectations of someone else.
There was a time in your life when you believed in yourself. You believed you were desirable, talented, interesting, capable and strong. If you find these beliefs have diminished or vanished, commit yourself to rediscovering who you are and all that makes you unique. It is possible that with counseling and a commitment on both of your parts that your relationship and marriage can be salvaged. However, your first priority must be to salvage yourself.
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