Passive-Aggressive Anger is Harmful
Anger Expressed Indirectly is Emotionally Destructive for Everyone
Nov 10, 2009
Anger, as an emotion is not harmful. It is simply one emotion in a wide range of human emotions. However, anger can be destructive when expressed in physical ways (slapping, hitting, kicking, etc.), or when expressed in more indirect ways. There is a great deal written about physical expressions of anger and the harm it does to those to whom it is directed, but anger that is expressed indirectly is also very destructive.
Passive-Aggressive Anger
For a variety of reasons some people have a hard time acknowledging that they are experiencing the emotion of anger. There are people who feel anger is not an acceptable emotion, and there are others who equate anger with physical violence and feel if they are not violent or physically abusive, they are not angry.
Passive-aggressive expressions of anger work well for those who cannot or do not want to acknowledge they experience anger. Passive-aggressive anger does not cause physical pain to those on the receiving end of it, but it does cause emotional pain. It erodes a person's sense of self-confidence, worth and value. It is also hard for people to find effective ways to protect themselves from the pain it causes.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Anger
There are several different manifestations of passive-aggressive anger. These manifestations include the following.
- Forgetting – Not the kind of forgetting that can happen to anyone, but forgetting major events or commitments like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and then not acknowledging the impact it has had on others.
- Ignoring/silence – Acting as though someone doesn't exist. Being ignored is very difficult as it makes people feel invisible, unimportant, worthless. Especially hard when the targets are children or loved ones.
- Side comments/talking about others – These are comments that can erode authority or self-confidence but are said in such a way that they are hard to confront directly. Like termites in a wall, they are often invisible but doing great damage.
- Humor/sarcastic remarks - This is the kind of humor or remarks that hurts. It is a way for people to say things that are mean and hurtful in a framework that is considered funny. Often said around others who may be totally unaware of the pain it causes.
- Destroying or losing things - This involves losing or destroying things that mean something to the people who own them. It can be notes, cards, photos, legal papers – anything that has some meaning, value or represents hard work.
These are just few examples of passive-aggressive expressions of anger and their impact on others. Anger — which is a powerful and healthy emotion — is too often expressed in ways that is destructive and promotes retaliation and revenge. People learn how to express anger which means they can learn new and healthier ways to express their anger.
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